As your child enters the preschool years and expresses more clearly, do you take greater pleasure in interacting with her?\u00a0 At the same time, when your child insists on her way or fluctuates in mood, are you more emotionally affected?\u00a0 Is any of the following your usual response?<\/p>\n
These responses, whether downplaying or suppressing the emotions, or giving in to make the emotions go away, are common and likely well-intended attempts to help the child calm down and cooperate as quickly as possible.\u00a0 However, they somehow suggest that the child should not have these emotions.\u00a0 Research shows that if parents always respond to children’s emotions in these ways, they are more likely to have difficulties in regulating emotions and behaviours; instead, addressing children’s emotions positively with\u00a0empathy<\/strong>, and providing guidance in\u00a0emotion regulation<\/strong>\u00a0and\u00a0effective problem-solving<\/strong>, may foster\u00a0Emotional Intelligence<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0(also known as emotional quotient, or “EQ”).<\/p>\n “EQ” refers to the ability to recognise, regulate and express emotions; high “EQ” is found to associate with:<\/p>\n We are all born with emotions, positive and negative, which are\u00a0natural and<\/strong>\u00a0spontaneous responses<\/strong>\u00a0of varied intensity that serve the\u00a0functions<\/strong>\u00a0of prompting us to\u00a0take care of our needs<\/strong>, respond to our immediate situation, as well as\u00a0communicate and connect with others<\/strong>.\u00a0 We may have different emotional reactions to the same event,\u00a0there is no right or wrong way to feel<\/strong>\u00a0and it is not helpful to compare them.\u00a0 We could avoid becoming overwhelmed and effectively manage emotions by noticing, understanding, and accepting them.<\/p>\n As your child grows, more sophisticated psychological and social needs underlie his richer emotional expressions.\u00a0 For example, when he excitedly shows you his craft, his ‘pride’ helps him gain recognition and build self-esteem; when he cries or even refuses to let you go when you drop him off at preschool, his ‘fear’ reflects his need to have the company of a close and reliable caregiver to cope with the unfamiliar environment.<\/p>\n To raise a child of high \u201cEQ\u201d, parents need to perceive emotions positively,\u00a0respond sensitively<\/strong>\u00a0to their child’s\u00a0emotions and needs<\/strong>, and\u00a0solve problem<\/strong>\u00a0collaboratively. You may make use of the\u00a05 steps of Emotion Coaching*<\/strong>\u00a0to address…<\/p>\n Spend more time with your child and pay attention to these characteristics:<\/p>\n You may find it easier to understand the above if you\u00a0closely observe your child<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0from a young age.\u00a0 By noticing his emotional changes and intervening early, you could better help him regulate his emotions.<\/p>\n Meanwhile,\u00a0be mindful of your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations<\/strong>; you may also ask someone you trust to prompt you when you show emotional changes.\u00a0 It is difficult to respond calmly to your child when you are emotional.\u00a0\u00a0 Take a few deep breaths or drink some water to manage your feelings before you “emotion coach” your child.<\/li>\n As a parent, you may inevitably become confused and annoyed when your child is upset, withdrawn or refuses to cooperate. If you\u00a0shift your perspective<\/strong>, you can see that rather than opposing you on purpose, your child is struggling to regulate her emotions and behaviour effectively. Besides, this is a\u00a0valuable opportunity<\/strong>\u00a0to connect with and teach her emotion-regulation and problem-solving. Then, you may find more strength and wisdom to be your child’s “emotion coach\u201d.<\/li>\n Children need to be\u00a0heard, accepted, and understood<\/strong>, avoid asking too many questions. When your child could not describe his feelings and experiences clearly, try to understand his feelings and needs by\u00a0putting yourself in his shoes<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and observing the causes and consequences of his emotions.\u00a0Focus on him<\/strong>\u00a0in the process, use your gaze, facial expressions, and body language (e.g. sitting close to him or holding him) to show your\u00a0care and presence<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Even if you find your child overreacting or is getting what he deserves, criticising or lecturing him at this point cannot help him calm down or take in your advice.<\/li>\n Guiding a child to\u00a0express emotions in words<\/strong>\u00a0can help him calm down and\u00a0learn to regulate emotions<\/strong>. \u00a0Offer assistance based on your child’s age and language abilities: if your child struggle to express himself clearly,\u00a0help him put feelings into words based on your observations<\/strong>\u00a0to aid his gradual understanding of these emotions and the corresponding feeling words.<\/p>\n As your child grows, you may reflect the various emotions that your child is experiencing at the same time, e.g., “The toy is broken, you are unhappy and feeling a bit angry”, or introduce more complex feeling words based on his comprehension abilities, such as “disappointed”, “nervous”, “uneasy”, etc., to foster your child’s abilities to understand and express feelings.<\/p>\n You may also further\u00a0show your empathy<\/strong>, e.g., “Mummy feels a bit scared like you when I saw the big dog!”\u00a0 Alternatively, use\u00a0open-ended questions<\/strong>\u00a0such as “How do you feel?” to guide him to talk about his feelings.\u00a0 Yet, asking questions constantly may discourage the child from talking, you may encourage him to share his emotions by describing his feelings in\u00a0simple sentences<\/strong>.<\/li>\n Guiding the child to understand\u00a0limits<\/strong>\u00a0and\u00a0rules<\/strong>\u00a0and\u00a0solve problems<\/strong>\u00a0jointly are an important part of “emotion coaching”.\u00a0 However, before the child feels understood, rushing into this step may counteract the effects of the earlier steps.<\/p>\n A child may behave inappropriately, such as screaming, throwing things, stamping feet, etc., during emotional outbursts.\u00a0 Apart from showing understanding, parents need to let him know that\u00a0there is no right or wrong way to feel<\/strong>, but\u00a0some behaviours are undesirable<\/strong>, e.g. “You want to keep playing, you are mad that you have to tidy up now.\u00a0 You may sit aside and calm down; toys are not for throwing!”<\/p>\n For younger children, parents may propose two or three solutions for them to choose from.\u00a0 For children approaching school-age, try to come up with solutions together; if they could not think of any on the spot, you may offer some hints or suggestions.<\/p>\n Parents may also refer to the following parenting series for more positive parenting principles and tips: “Managing the Behaviour of your Preschooler I<\/a>\u00a0&\u00a0Managing the Behaviour of your Preschooler II<\/a>“.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n * Research conducted by Dr. John Gottman, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, suggests that guiding children to regulate emotions and problem-solve through the 5 steps of emotion coaching has a positive impact on their emotional intelligence and long-term development. On this basis, Associate Professor Sophie Havighurst, Ann Harley, and their team at The University of Melbourne developed an evidence-based parenting programme called Tuning in to Kids\u00ae to facilitate caregivers to recognise, understand and regulate their child’s emotions, and build an intimate parent-child relationship. The suggestions in this leaflet are developed with reference to the above findings and parenting programme.<\/p>\n Scenario A:\u00a0<\/strong>it is time for a bath, but your 3-year-old son is busy playing and ignores your calling<\/p>\n Scenario B:\u00a0<\/strong>Your 4-year-old son excitedly shows you his drawing. \u00a0\u00a0At the same time, you notice his stained hands and clothes and the mess behind him<\/p>\n Scenario C:\u00a0<\/strong>your daughter in K3 protested “I am not going to school tomorrow!” after she comes home from kindergarten<\/p>\n Pay attention to your child’s reactions when discussing, and provide chances for her to express her views towards your suggestions. If she seems reluctant to continue the conversation, you may save this for later; if she consistently shows fear of failures, you may casually share with her your own experiences of making mistakes or being teased, and how you responded.<\/p>\n\n
Learn More about Emotion to Foster High EQ!<\/h3>\n
The Key to Foster High EQ<\/h3>\n
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5 Steps of Emotion Coaching<\/h3>\n
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Be aware of the changes in emotions of your child and yourself<\/h4>\n
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Shift your perspective and see your child’s expression of emotion as an opportunity for connection and teaching<\/h4>\n
Listen with empathy, understand and accept your child’s feelings<\/h4>\n
Help your child express emotions in words<\/h4>\n
Set limits and work with your child to solve problems<\/h4>\n
Application of the 5 steps of Emotion Coaching:<\/h3>\n
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Key Points in Using the 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching:<\/h3>\n
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